I have a relative who I've been concerned about in recent years. This young man is brilliant and talented, but has completely disconnected from his emotions. When I've talked to him about it, he just says how he feels emotionally dead inside and that he has trouble feeling anything at all.
And, to be honest, I feel really bad for him. Emotions are one of those things that so many of us have been taught, whether by parents or culture, to push aside. When someone actually displays their feelings publicly we deem them "emotional" or "moody" as though it's a detriment. I'm here to set the record straight and remind everyone that emotions are amazing things. We've been developing as a species for millions of years and as our brains have grown and developed during that time, so has our ability to access emotions.
Look at humans vs. dogs. If you've ever had a dog, you know that they experience emotions. Vets have identified that a dog's mental development is about equivalent to that of a 2 1/2 year old child, meaning that dogs can express emotions such as excitement, distress, shyness, contentment, fear, anger, joy, and affection. The human brain, which is much larger and more developed, has created many dozens more emotions than that including pride, guilt, and shame. (If you've ever scolded a dog and watched it exhibit shame, it's not genuine. They're simply behaving how they think you want it to.)
The real power of emotions for humans are as guideposts or signals. In a way, you can think of them as telling you whether or not you're on the right or wrong track. When you genuinely feel better-feeling emotions such as appreciation, joy, and love, you feel connected, alive, and complete. You are fully living in those moments. When you feel guilt or shame, on the other hand, you're feeling disconnected and incomplete. Yet, even when we experience negative emotions it's important to allow ourselves to really lean in and feel them fully. I know this may sound counter-intuitive because when we're feeling negative emotions our first inclination is to run away from them. It's a big reason why so many people turn to drugs and alcohol -- they're trying to escape some sort of pain.
I see this a lot with people who are grieving. Grief is a process. We all know this to some extent, even if we have never dealt with it ourselves before. If you allow yourself to fully express and work through your grief, you will come out the other side as someone who has experienced a lot of growth. Yet, the pain can be so acute that we try to mask or cover our grief in many different ways. Perhaps we become workaholics or shopaholics or turn to substances to get us through. Masking the pain only delays the inevitable or, worse yet, doesn't allow us to complete the grief process.
Emotions aren't always pretty, but they are necessary. They help us process what's happening to us and what's happening in the world around us. They help us communicate with others, they help us act quickly in situations where we need to act quickly, they help alert us to (and protect us from) danger. Moreover, emotions affect the likelihood that we will or won't do something. I talk about this a lot in the process of habit-building, for instance. When we perform a new habit and celebrate it, we're far more likely to keep that habit going.
There's a reason why emotions have not evolved out of humans: They're not just important, they're downright crucial. People who don't demonstrate emotions are usually psychopaths or sociopaths. Emotions play a key role in us fully experiencing and processing our lives and our world. The next time you're experiencing a negative emotion, consider leaning into it with curiosity. You might be surprised how much more quickly the emotion will resolve itself when you decide to work with it and explore it. I know that whenever I get mad at someone, I've come to a place where I lean into it and ask myself "what is this really about?" Oftentimes, I'm not even mad at the other person. More often than not, it was my ego that was hurt and the emotion I need to deal with is the feeling of being hurt. Once I address that head-on, then I can move forward.
When you feel positive emotions, I want you to REALLY lean into them. I find that people run from positive emotions almost as much as they do from negative ones. There's this sort of fear that "this good thing won't last". Maybe it won't, but savor it when you feel it. It feels so good to allow positive emotions to flood your body.
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