There are bodies of literature out there all about the power of affirmations. If you were someone who regularly watched Saturday Night Live in the 90s, like I did, you probably remember Stuart Smalley who looked in the mirror saying "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me."
Affirmations, like any other self-improvement technique, can be a blessing or a curse. For every person who finds that affirmations have helped them, you'll find just as many who got nothing from them -- or worse -- that the affirmations actually hurt them.
Let's get this out of the way first: Words are meaningful. Words are powerful. Words are the tools we use to create sense and order out of our world. We tell ourselves stories using our words. We communicate with ourselves and others using them. There is great power in using words well. Think of any famous speech -- from the Gettysburg Address to "I Have A Dream" to "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." When a rousing orator pairs their skills with uplifting, inspiring words, their speeches transcend time. Conversely, words can be used to belittle or abuse people. I'm sure we can all remember a time when someone we loved said something mean to us. Those hurts stick around for a long time, sometimes a lifetime.
Affirmations similarly can be used in positive or negative ways. The problems are threefold:
1) We are choosing affirmations that we really, truly don't believe.
2) We are choosing affirmations that are unintentionally making us feel worse.
3) We are choosing affirmations that we are not connecting with emotionally.
Let me expand on these. Affirmations, by their nature, tend to push us in a positive-feeling direction. They are intended to reinforce positive feelings. In the case of the first problem, oftentimes people "aim high" on their affirmations (a worthy goal!) yet go a bit too far into the realm of the unbelieveable. Let's say, for instance, that you've always struggled with weight and in your adult life you've never been smaller than 200 lbs. You might think that to start off strong, you put your ideal weight in your affirmation -- "I'm quickly and easily reducing my weight down to 140 lbs." Yet, if you haven't been 140 lbs since 8th grade, you might just not really believe it deep down. It's a fine thought, but if you say that affirmation and find that it just doesn't strike you as being realisitic, you're probably aiming too high to start.
Instead, you might want to start with a higher weight ("I'm quickly and easily reducing my weight to 190") which is a lot easier to imagine from where you're starting. You can always change and update your affirmation as you go! Or you can even simplify it further to "I am someone who makes healthy food choices consistently" or "I am reducing my portion sizes and eating lighter feels good to me." My fabulous teacher, Marisa Peer, tells people "if you're going to lie to yourself, tell yourself a better lie." She's right, but I also suggest picking a reasonable lie to begin with. If no amount of repetition will make it believeable, then that affirmation isn't going to take you anywhere. Worse yet, you might feel so disheartened by the lack of progress, you might move in the opposite direction.
This leads into the second problem. Sometimes we pick affirmations that unintentionally make us feel bad (especially when we don't live up to them). Let's say that you have a lot of difficult co-workers that you have to deal with. You feel yourself losing your cool with them on a regular basis and then complain about them to your friends. So, you aim high and choose an affirmation like "I treat all of my co-workers with kindness and compassion every day." It's a beautiful sentiment, but is it likely to last? Obviously, they aren't going to change (at least not overnight), so the work is really on your part. So, inevitably, when one of your co-workers does something disagreeable and you snap at them, you remember your affirmation and feel like you failed at it.
The same principle applies if your affirmation is about changing some aspect of your personality. You've had decades to develop your personality and while you certainly CAN change, the change is likely to be in baby steps. Yet, when you slip up and revert to your old behaviors (and you likely will from time-to-time), you'll be disappointed in yourself.
The third problem is, in my opinion, the biggest obstacle in doing affirmations right: Not connecting to your affirmation emotionally. If you want your affirmation to succeed and you want to grow in a positive way, you want to identify with the statement in an emotional way. If your affirmation connects with you negatively, stop using it. If your affirmation doesn't emotionally connect at all, it's not going to do anything for you and you likely won't stick with it. Yet, if you find an affirmation that makes you feel good -- that you connect with in a positive way -- and you also BELIEVE it, then you probably have a really useful one that will spur some growth.
Using the weight loss example from before, here are my personal examples:
"I'm quickly and easily going to reach my goal weight of 180 lbs." -- Not great. I do believe I can get to 185 but I don't know if I can do it quickly and easily. Let's try again.
"I'm reducing my weight in order to improve my health and I know it's good for me." -- Not great. It is accurate. I know losing weight is good for me. Yet, I don't connect to it emotionally. It's kind of a "blah" statement,
"My weight is going down and I know some simple, smart changes that I'm putting into place. My body is getting firmer and leaner and I feel more confident." -- Good. I believe this. It's reasonable. I'm not putting a specific weight number down, which appeals to me. I am noticing that my body is becoming firmer and leaner when I look in the mirror. Most of all, this makes me really happy to think about. I connect with it.
Using the co-worker example from before:
"I treat all of my co-workers with kindness and compassion every day." -- Once again, it's a nice thought, but it's not really believeable. Also, do you connect with it emotionally? Let's try again.
"I am working on becoming a more understanding co-worker and I want to enjoy my co-workers." -- This is a bit more realistic for most people, but it's kind of "blah". Let's try one more time.
"I'm committing to taking an online course to learn how to work with different personality types. I'm also going to look for one single thing to appreciate about my co-workers every day." -- Good. It's more believeable. You want to learn how to work with others in a more useful way and that feels good. It's proactive. Also, it's a lot easier to believe that you can find a single thing to appreciate about someone than to be kind and compassionate to them all the time.
Quick Aside:
Years ago, I worked in an office with very difficult people. I took two classes in a series called "Working With Difficult People" and it made all the difference in the world. If you've never had a narcissist or histrionic person in your life, it's hard to know how to deal with them when you have to be with them 40 hours a week!
Now you have the basic blueprints. Affirmations can, indeed, be very powerful tools in your self growth toolbox as long as you use them well! The emotional component is the key, though, because linking your affirmation with a positive emotion and a believeable concept is like checkmarking all of the right boxes. If you feel positively about yout affirmation, you're far more likely to stick with it. Sometimes this may require you to make your affirmation more specific (a call to action), less specific (not using specific numbers), or just completely different altogether. If you're not sure how to tap into the emotion, reflect on your motivation for the affirmation. Why do you want this growth? If your goal with your co-workers isn't to necessarily be a nicer person to them, but to know how to handle them, then work that into the affirmation.
I'm interested to see how you use affirmations! Leave a comment and tell me what works for you and what doesn't. Is there a reason you use them?
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